Lycra

Nothing hurts more than unknown chafing in the shower after a ride. Nothing.

Group Rides

Safety in numbers. Provides plausible deniability while drinking at the pub after the ride

Stop Signs

When pedaling a bike at 4 miles an hour, we are effectively stopped.

Filtering through Traffic

Who wants to suck down the fumes of your poorly tuned exhaust. You are only pissed off because you can’t do it too.

Bike Lanes

Poorly planned space at the side of the road that includes drain grates, man hole covers, gaping pits to the netherworld and accumulates all the crap from the cars on the roads. Glass, sand, gravel, nails, screws, used condoms, shoes, gloves, ladders, discarded car parts, etc.

Multi Use Paths

Instant death. Leashed animals, wild children, runners with noise cancelling earbuds that couldn’t here a nuclear explosion, angry mom’s, distracted dads, groups walking 10 wide in a space designed for 4, 2 in each direction. Enter at your own risk. Any accident will be blamed on all cyclists, every where.

Stop Lights

Infernal devices that fail to detect many cars, much less a 15lb carbon fiber bike. 12 second light cycles that barely offer enough time for one car.

Cell Phones

Distraction Devices of Doom. Drivers, walkers, other cyclists, basically anyone looking or talking to a cell phone is an imminent threat, and probably destroyer of worlds.

Helmets

Survival device, not safety equipment. Does not make anything safer, only improves survival rates once safety has gone the way of the dodo bird.

Bike Lights

See that flashing light? DON’T HIT ME BRO! It does not mean, fixate on the flashing sparkly thing and aim for it. Seriously, that the only reason we use those things. A solid light of for seeing by. A flashing light is for being seen.

Cars

The enemy. They are out to kill us, assuming they even see us. When they do, it’s our fault for being on the roads.