Tag Archives: humor

10 Things Roadies Do that Piss Tri-Geeks Off

1. Declare a set of ‘rules’ to be part of their cult

Seriously, they need an entire website to keep track of their inane ‘Rules’. (Velominati.com)[http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/]

2. Talk about the Century they did over the weekend

Isn’t that cute. They rode 100 miles. or maybe it was a metric at 63 miles. That’s nice. Did you run after it? how long did you hang out at that SAG stop with the really yummy home made cookies?

3. Exclude other bikes from their rides

No tri bikes, because they are ‘dangerous’ (and triathletes are poor bike handlers). No hybrids, because they are too slow. No mountain bikes, well because. Reality check time. Yeah, riding in aero in a group can have issues ( on the front during a pull? well off the back? rock it ). But here is the important bit to keep in mind, until the ride average 18+, there are plenty of riders that can hold that pace on non-road bikes, but that might hurt an ego or two. Can’t have that.

4. Worry constantly about KOM/QOM on Strava Segments

So much so, that many of them will cheat to get them (and keep them). They will bury themselves for a 90 second sprint for a single KOM and then have to soft pedal the next 30 miles to finish the ride. Let’s not even discuss the ‘forgot to turn off Strava’ segments. Seriously, 47mph up a .25 mile 6% grade. Seems legit.

5. Fail to give runners/joggers space on MUPs

Every triathlete that has ever done a post ride run on a MUP, or a long run on a MUP knows this one well. Full cycle kit roadie, blitzing the MUP at 25mph for a KOM (because seriously, EVERY MUP in the world MUST have a Strava Segment). They can’t be bothered with an ‘on your left’ because they are so buried there is not O@ to sacrifice. This applies far less to triathletes, because they run these paths, they behave quite different towards runners and joggers, people on road bikes? not so much.

6. Spend more time cleaning the bike than riding it

Apparently among the ‘serious cyclist’ crowd a dirty bike is a crime. Poorly maintained is a crime against the bike, but dirty? If you take the bike out for a 60 minute ride on a dry sunday and then spend 2 hours cleaning it, what’s the point. Ride it like you stole it. Tri bikes are filthy because when the ride is done, it’s time to run. When the run is done, it is time to eat and sleep, because tomorrow is a swim/bike day! Rest days are for laundry.

7. Judge another rider by the cost of kit and bike

The true sign of a roadie? they can give a cost estimate of a bike and kit at a glance. Even more so, this glance also provides enough information to determine if the cyclist is serious, and what category they should race. Best thing ever. Guy shows up to a group ride on a 20 year old Bianchi in serviceable shape. Cheap shorts, baggy jersey, old school strap clips. Everyone judges him to be a weak rider. 2 hours later, he held pace with the B1 group, and then RIDES home. Humility? served in spades.

8. Buy Race Bikes, Ride them in Charity Rides

Show up to a charity century. Look around the pre-race area. Lots of race bikes, lots of expensive kits, to be ridden 100 miles at an average pace of 16 mph, and never ridden in a race. They sure are pretty though. Pinarello Dogma P8 with Di2 in a full Team Sky replica kit from Rapha. Yep, race ready.

9. Wear Excessive Padding

Padded socks (long, because short is so uncool), padded shorts with pads so plush you could sleep on them, usually in bibs so they don’t move or wiggle. Padded gloves to protect the delicate hands. For every ride.

Harden up folks. Triathletes, no socks, ‘padded’ shorts? only in the most minimal sense, gloves are for wimps. Don’t forget the ladies, many of these lovely badasses are out there throwing down 40km bike legs at 20+ mph in swim suits. They are so badass, that if that suit rides up into the wedgie zone they’ll keep riding and deal with it later.

10. Bitch about Tri-Geeks

But seriously, the number one thing tri-geeks hate about cyclists? the incessant whining about tri-geeks. You feel inadequate. We get it, you have two choices. Harden up, or don’t, but if you choose don’t, you give up any right to bitch about the tri-geeks. We’d rather you come over to the fun side though. We don’t take ourselves nearly as seriously as you do.

Bonus: Shaved Legs, Shaved Arms, Grizzly Adams Facial Hair

Seriously, WTF. Applies euqally to all cyclists, road, mtn, hybrid, tri.

Cycling Explained to Non-Cyclists

Lycra

Nothing hurts more than unknown chafing in the shower after a ride. Nothing.

Group Rides

Safety in numbers. Provides plausible deniability while drinking at the pub after the ride

Stop Signs

When pedaling a bike at 4 miles an hour, we are effectively stopped.

Filtering through Traffic

Who wants to suck down the fumes of your poorly tuned exhaust. You are only pissed off because you can’t do it too.

Bike Lanes

Poorly planned space at the side of the road that includes drain grates, man hole covers, gaping pits to the netherworld and accumulates all the crap from the cars on the roads. Glass, sand, gravel, nails, screws, used condoms, shoes, gloves, ladders, discarded car parts, etc.

Multi Use Paths

Instant death. Leashed animals, wild children, runners with noise cancelling earbuds that couldn’t here a nuclear explosion, angry mom’s, distracted dads, groups walking 10 wide in a space designed for 4, 2 in each direction. Enter at your own risk. Any accident will be blamed on all cyclists, every where.

Stop Lights

Infernal devices that fail to detect many cars, much less a 15lb carbon fiber bike. 12 second light cycles that barely offer enough time for one car.

Cell Phones

Distraction Devices of Doom. Drivers, walkers, other cyclists, basically anyone looking or talking to a cell phone is an imminent threat, and probably destroyer of worlds.

Helmets

Survival device, not safety equipment. Does not make anything safer, only improves survival rates once safety has gone the way of the dodo bird.

Bike Lights

See that flashing light? DON’T HIT ME BRO! It does not mean, fixate on the flashing sparkly thing and aim for it. Seriously, that the only reason we use those things. A solid light of for seeing by. A flashing light is for being seen.

Cars

The enemy. They are out to kill us, assuming they even see us. When they do, it’s our fault for being on the roads.

You Might Be a Triathlete If

  • You failed high school chemistry but you could teach a course on lactic acid

  • While at the gym, you change clothes as fast as possible because it feels like a transition

  • You wear your heart rate monitor during sex.
  • You bring bottled water to a party so that you’re properly hydrated for the next morning’s long run
  • Everyone else at the party also brought their own bottled water because you don’t have a social life outside of triathlon.
  • Everyone showed up by 7pm and left by 10pm
  • When you wear your bathing suit under your work clothes to make a fast transition from work to swim on your lunch hour
  • Your girlfriends are insanely jealous of your tan legs. Until they realize that the tan stops at your bike shorts.
  • One of the criteria of a vacation is that the hotel has a spin bike, pool and there’s running trails nearby
  • Baggage for any out of town trip includes running gear and goggles
  • 90 degrees is too hot to mow the lawn but not to go on a century ride
  • You consider Clif Bars one of the four food groups
  • You wake up at 5 am but don’t get to work until 9.
  • You think there are only two seasons during the year, triathlon & marathon.
  • The inside of your car looks like a going out of business sale at Sports Authority.
  • You consider work, recovery time between training sessions.
  • You have a water bottle when you drive your car.
  • You spend your 2 week annual vacation at a training camp.
  • You know exactly how much protein each energy bar has.
  • Your legs are smoother than your girlfriend’s.
  • You use race shirts to clean your bike.
  • You know you’re a triathlete when you take more showers at the gym than at home.
  • 6:30 am is sleeping in.
  • You have everything needed in your car to swim, bike or run within 5 minutes notice.
  • The one “suit” you own has Xterra written on the chest.
  • You catch yourself about to blow a snot rocket while walking around the office.
  • You know you’re a triathlete when you take ice baths!
  • You can plow through a whopping plate of pancakes and sausage and go back for seconds with a clear conscience.
  • You don’t mind your spinach in liquid form.
  • Your cologne of choice is chlorine.
  • You consider ‘bonking’ a bad thing.
  • You know you’re a triathlete when your house and office is littered with half full water bottles
  • Your bike costs more than your car.
  • You shout “on your left” when passing people in the aisles at the grocery store.
  • You use the words “only” and “10k” in the same sentence.
  • IM no longer refers to ‘instant message’.
  • You use the words “easy” and “long run” in the same sentence.
  • You not only eat gels, but you know the best flavors for every brand.
  • Your bath towel is never dry.
  • Your wife no longer thinks it’s strange that you keep a heart rate monitor at your bedside.
  • You take (at least) two showers a day.
  • You think the ultimate form of wallpaper is all your racing bibs.
  • You have a vanity license plate with the word “Kona” in it.
  • After you meet someone and they tell you they race, you go home and check online to see what age group they’re in and what their times are.
  • You plan vacations around where your next race will be.
  • You feel like you took the day off because all you did was swim 3000 yards.
  • You show up to work on Mondays with faded race numbers written all over your arms and legs.
  • About half the shirts you own have at least a dozen logos on the back of them.
  • There is a group of people in your life about whom you are more likely to know how fast they can swim 100 meters than their occupations.
  • There’s a separate load of laundry every week that is just your workout clothes.
  • You don’t giggle anymore when someone uses the word ‘Fartlek’.
  • Your bike is in your living room (possibly mounted on your trainer).
  • A car follows too closely behind you and you accuse them of drafting.
  • Your friends cried during The Notebook; you cried during the television coverage of the Ironman World Championship.
  • Your husband/wife is looking forward to the day when you will slow down and just run marathons.
  • You see no problem with talking about treatments for chafing or saddle rash at the dinner table.
  • You know you’re a triathlete when nobody believes you when you say “I’ll never do an Ironman”.
  • You have peed outdoors more times in the last year than you did in your first year of college.
  • You call a 5 mile run an easy day.
  • You shave way too many body parts.
  • You spend more money on training clothes then work clothes.
  • You clean your bike more often than your car.
  • Your car smells like a locker room.
  • You have far more pairs of shoes in your closet than your non-tri wife does in hers.
  • You go for a 5K cooldown run after a 5K race just so that you can call it a training session.
  • You have to explain to your co-workers what “splits,” “bricks,” and ‘LSDs” are.
  • You know you’re a triathlete when people see your ’140.6′ sticker on your vehicle and ask what radio station that is.
  • You’ve forgotten how to drink out of cups.
  • When asked how old you are you answer your age group (40-44).
  • When people praise you for being able to run 15 miles you feel insulted.
  • You purchase your new car to match the color of your bike.
  • You know you’re a triathlete when your car purchase depends on whether your bike will fit in the back.
  • You consider sprint triathlons as group training sessions.
  • You reach for a snack, and its a Clif Bar.
  • You would rather surf race pictures than watch TV