1. Declare a set of ‘rules’ to be part of their cult
Seriously, they need an entire website to keep track of their inane ‘Rules’. (Velominati.com)[http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/]
2. Talk about the Century they did over the weekend
Isn’t that cute. They rode 100 miles. or maybe it was a metric at 63 miles. That’s nice. Did you run after it? how long did you hang out at that SAG stop with the really yummy home made cookies?
3. Exclude other bikes from their rides
No tri bikes, because they are ‘dangerous’ (and triathletes are poor bike handlers). No hybrids, because they are too slow. No mountain bikes, well because. Reality check time. Yeah, riding in aero in a group can have issues ( on the front during a pull? well off the back? rock it ). But here is the important bit to keep in mind, until the ride average 18+, there are plenty of riders that can hold that pace on non-road bikes, but that might hurt an ego or two. Can’t have that.
4. Worry constantly about KOM/QOM on Strava Segments
So much so, that many of them will cheat to get them (and keep them). They will bury themselves for a 90 second sprint for a single KOM and then have to soft pedal the next 30 miles to finish the ride. Let’s not even discuss the ‘forgot to turn off Strava’ segments. Seriously, 47mph up a .25 mile 6% grade. Seems legit.
5. Fail to give runners/joggers space on MUPs
Every triathlete that has ever done a post ride run on a MUP, or a long run on a MUP knows this one well. Full cycle kit roadie, blitzing the MUP at 25mph for a KOM (because seriously, EVERY MUP in the world MUST have a Strava Segment). They can’t be bothered with an ‘on your left’ because they are so buried there is not O@ to sacrifice. This applies far less to triathletes, because they run these paths, they behave quite different towards runners and joggers, people on road bikes? not so much.
6. Spend more time cleaning the bike than riding it
Apparently among the ‘serious cyclist’ crowd a dirty bike is a crime. Poorly maintained is a crime against the bike, but dirty? If you take the bike out for a 60 minute ride on a dry sunday and then spend 2 hours cleaning it, what’s the point. Ride it like you stole it. Tri bikes are filthy because when the ride is done, it’s time to run. When the run is done, it is time to eat and sleep, because tomorrow is a swim/bike day! Rest days are for laundry.
7. Judge another rider by the cost of kit and bike
The true sign of a roadie? they can give a cost estimate of a bike and kit at a glance. Even more so, this glance also provides enough information to determine if the cyclist is serious, and what category they should race. Best thing ever. Guy shows up to a group ride on a 20 year old Bianchi in serviceable shape. Cheap shorts, baggy jersey, old school strap clips. Everyone judges him to be a weak rider. 2 hours later, he held pace with the B1 group, and then RIDES home. Humility? served in spades.
8. Buy Race Bikes, Ride them in Charity Rides
Show up to a charity century. Look around the pre-race area. Lots of race bikes, lots of expensive kits, to be ridden 100 miles at an average pace of 16 mph, and never ridden in a race. They sure are pretty though. Pinarello Dogma P8 with Di2 in a full Team Sky replica kit from Rapha. Yep, race ready.
9. Wear Excessive Padding
Padded socks (long, because short is so uncool), padded shorts with pads so plush you could sleep on them, usually in bibs so they don’t move or wiggle. Padded gloves to protect the delicate hands. For every ride.
Harden up folks. Triathletes, no socks, ‘padded’ shorts? only in the most minimal sense, gloves are for wimps. Don’t forget the ladies, many of these lovely badasses are out there throwing down 40km bike legs at 20+ mph in swim suits. They are so badass, that if that suit rides up into the wedgie zone they’ll keep riding and deal with it later.
10. Bitch about Tri-Geeks
But seriously, the number one thing tri-geeks hate about cyclists? the incessant whining about tri-geeks. You feel inadequate. We get it, you have two choices. Harden up, or don’t, but if you choose don’t, you give up any right to bitch about the tri-geeks. We’d rather you come over to the fun side though. We don’t take ourselves nearly as seriously as you do.
Bonus: Shaved Legs, Shaved Arms, Grizzly Adams Facial Hair
Seriously, WTF. Applies euqally to all cyclists, road, mtn, hybrid, tri.