Normally this space is reserved for topics that are focused on the triathlon life and training process, or the associated sports. Today, we get to chat about a completely different aspect of life, on a more general level, but still closely related to the triathlon life, the mental-emotional state that goes into finding our happy place.
An old acquaintance of mine recently wrote a magnificent piece You Seem So Happy on Facebook that provoked some thought. It is a difficult conversation for me, because I no longer appear to suffer depression in the same manner as most. Like every other person on the planet, life is messy and has it’s rough spots, but that as they say is life. For me depression is something that is very short lived, as in measured in hours, a day at most. This wasn’t always true, somewhere along the road of life, I had something that flipped a switch in my brain. It was a ‘life changing event’ that happened to me in middle school. I don’t know that anyone outside a select few people understood then the dark places and the emotional minefield that time was, but I know that I came out the other side a very different person.
When I look at things objectively, I wouldn’t say that my life is any better or worse than those around me. We share the same hurdles, kids, money, taxes, marriage, work. Sometimes those things get the better of us, sometimes we get the better of them. But the objective lesson and take away of that examination is that no matter how bad it is, it could be worse. As a parting shot, she asked a question that is half in jest, but I suspect half in honest hope that there is indeed a map to a happy place.
The bad news is there is no Secret Map that will work for everyone. If there was, and I knew how to package it, I promise, it would not be a secret. I would give it to every person I know as a gift, because in life, there is nothing more enjoyable than spending time with truly happy people. It doesn’t happen often, and there are some that fake it well enough that you don’t know. But that is part of my not so secret path, I don’t bother with faking it. If I’m not in a good place, you will probably know it. What I want to share are the keys to my happiness, and some of the strategies I use to get/stay/regain that spot.
Don’t Panic
It seems silly, but Douglas Adams got this completely right all those years ago. No matter what is happening in your life, you are not alone. There are others out there walking the same path. You can reach out and find them, or you can blaze your own path, but there is an equilibrium in knowing that you are not alone. Moreover, I can’t speak for others, but I make really bad decisions when I am in panic mode. Learning not panic is hard, and it is deeply rooted in the very core of the things that are both catalyst and result of depression.
Love Yourself
This one was hard for me, and I’ve had to do it twice. Anyone that knew me in my youth knows that I was a bookish, skinny, nerdy, unathletic, uncoordinated and completely unsure of myself guy that spent more time alone and with a book hiding from people than was healthy. I had absolutely no idea how to deal with people. Socially awkward, and simply didn’t ‘get’ my peers. After life changing event back in middle school, perception changed. I went from timid, afraid of ‘getting hurt’ to fearless to the point of stupidity. I wish I was kidding with that last statement. If anything, I am being nice. What I learned was that I had to be comfortable with who I was and how I looked because if I wasn’t, no one else would. We become what we project.
The second time I dealt with this, was at 40 years old standing on a scale and wanting to find a corner and cry. Asking myself how I let this happen, and seeing the hard road to travel to undo the damage done. This was made easier because of the person standing beside me, but it remained a tough road.
Love Others
But the truth is, we don’t live in a vacuum. In order to truly find happiness, we have to feed the happiness of those around us. Part of this is building others up. Learning to love them, strengths and weaknesses. To focus on the strengths, to encourage, and mostly to learn to show them you love them. Love is an interesting word in the modern world. There is an association with sexual love that is problematic for many. That confusion makes it a difficult concept and word for many, particularly men, to wrap their heads around. It is the right word though. Loving others does not mean that we give so much that we forget about ourselves. This is an important point for all of the parents. So often we become so invested in our children that for 20 years we fail to truly invest in ourselves and our spouses. By the time the kids are moving out and on, we’ve lost touch with who we are, and who our spouses are. Sometimes it doesn’t take until the kids move on. So take special care in learning and keeping that love in place. It isn’t all sexual, though that can help, but finding the love of the person and keeping that is the root that keeps it grounded.
Not What Others Think
Keeping the love of others and listening to their thoughts and opinions is so very important, but there is a dark line that has to be drawn in the sand. Listening, and respecting is one thing, but allowing other peoples opinions color how you see yourself is the first step onto a slippery slope to a very dark place. That slippery slopes starts with the vocalized opinions, but the next and terribly destructive step on the slope is the imagined things of what people don’t say. What we start to tell ourselves other people are thinking. When we start seeing judgement and criticism in the every day actions of others, and use those things to further destroy our own self image and worth.
This is the single hardest thing I have ever had to learn in my life. It is a lesson I battle every single day. ( Even worse for me is when people do things that make my job harder. I know it is not their intent, but dammit it FEELS personal )
Learn to See the “Good Things”
This is the classic glass is half empty argument, with a nasty twist. For the longest time, I was certain that half full people actually existed in nature. Over the last few years, I have decided that no, we, the glass half full people do not exist in nature. We are created through experience and discipline. It took that young trauma to flip that around and teach me to look at things differently. Keep in mind, that there is a truly selfish side to the half empty perspective. Because it isn’t the glass that is half empty. It is MY glass that is half empty. Yours is half full. Once you understand that, the whole picture is easier to grasp.
We take in that there are half full glasses around us, but we fail to see ours as half full. That is where the learning and discipline come in. Learning to not only take in these facts, but to apply them equally to others and ours. To remove our self defeating internal struggles from these everyday facets of life.
As a thought exercise, next time you are driving in your car, and someone triggers your emotional anger response, look at the situation and laugh at yourself. Why did you get so angry? Did they really intentionally do that to piss you off, or were they simply so involved in their own issues that it never registered that there actions might have an adverse effect on anyone else? It is enlightening, and a great tool for learning to SEE things at a less personal level.
Get Moving
Others have addressed this, but I just want to reiterate this. Get up. Get moving. What you activity is, doesn’t matter. There are few certainties in finding a happy place, but this one I promise. No one is finding their happy place sitting on the sofa watching television all of the time. The occasional evening couch potato session is not going to break you, but when the couch is your second home, you aren’t finding your happy place, you are accepting the status quo, and that, simply will not do.
Doing something, anything physical, will help eventually. The first few times when you are starting from a place of weakness are hard, daunting and perhaps even overwhelming. If you can get past them though. If you can get a routine, you will feel the difference.
Along the way, you will also learn the lesson that every born again athlete learns. In the world of athletics, we honor the natural athletes. We revere the self made ones. No one is more respected in the athletic world than the ones that don’t look the part, and yet they are out there every workout, gritting through the crap towards their goals.
In the world of Ironman distance triathlons, there is a tradition that demonstrates this best. The first athletes across the finish line are at that finish line at midnight when the finish line closes to greet the last finishers. IF you ever get a chance to see an Ironman finish, wait until the sun sets to head to the finish line. That is when the greatest stories, the greatest triumphs happen. These are the self made athletes. They have proven themselves worthy of something more than just the humble respect of the workouts. They have pushed themselves to complete a truly daunting task.
Accept Things You Cannot/Should Not Change
This, I learned from my lovely and incredibly supportive spouse. It was her that made the conscious choice to not fight to change my bad habits through force. She accomplished the result by deciding to accept the things that she couldn’t change. It was a valuable lesson early in our marriage, and one that has come to apply to all aspects of my life. Driving, once that guy cuts in front of me, there is nothing I can do about, I accept that. Life is short, I will die, these are things that I also accept. But even the little things. My son is just like me, I can’t change that, and like me, he will have to learn these lessons the hard way, on his own terms. These are the lessons we learn.
We can make ourselves miserable trying to change these things, or we can accept that they aren’t things we can change and get on to the things we can impact. Making the choice to move on has removed an enormous amount of unhappiness from my life.
Smile
And finally, what might be the simplest and easiest, yet most powerful tool we have. A smile is something that has a direct impact on our emotional state, but also on those around us. Tell a joke, enjoy a laugh, and smile.
What does this have to do with triathlon? A lot more than you would think. You see, I have met more people that have found their happy places in the sport of triathlon than in any other place in my life. These are people that have challenged themselves physically and mentally. The longer I have been around this sport the more I have come to understand that the mental adaptations we make to compete in this sport will far outlast the physical ones. The self image things that we have had to set aside on race day. The confidence we have gained through these activities. All of these things are waypoints on the map to that big red X on the map that is your happy place.